Can anyone give me some ideas and do you know about schools for strong willed children?

My strong willed child is 5 years old. He just started kindergarden and as of now I have been called twice by the vice principal. Number one because my son had food on his chin and the kids started making fun of him. My son got upset and started blowing his food out and got extremely mad with the kids because they where laughing at him. Second, apparently his classroom has two problem childs. Today my son join them when they where playing around in the classroom and didn%26#039;t focus in class because he was playing with the two kids. The third problem was that some girl threw spit on my son so teacher separated them. The teacher beg my son 5 minutes and he wouldn%26#039;t move because he felt that he hadn%26#039;t done anything wrong. My husband and I have taken away his roller skates, roller blades, swimming, nintendo..you name it and he doesn%26#039;t care. We don%26#039;t know what to do. We are even thinking of sending him to some military camp or a good school for strong willed children.


Help.

Can anyone give me some ideas and do you know about schools for strong willed children?
%26quot;Strong willed?%26quot; What is that, some PC term for UNDISCIPLINED? Kids are tough. You need to be tougher. And don%26#039;t make excuses for him. You write like you think he is being unfairly treated, but I%26#039;ve seen kids that warrant a call to the parents, and the parents are usually too afraid to discipline their child. Instead, they make excuses and call them %26quot;strong willed%26quot; instead of %26quot;brats.%26quot;
Reply:I am a university student, majoring in psychology, specializing in child psychology. I am no %26quot;professional%26quot; (yet), but I may have some advice for you.





It does not appear that he is strong willed, but rather just flat out has behavioral problems. You made a list of everything that you and your husband have taken away from him-- those are posessions and when it comes right down to it, mean nothing to him. It is YOU and YOUR ATTENTION that your child wants. Every time that you or your husband have to address his behavior, he accepts your attention. Negative attention is at least attention to a child.


I would like to go back to what you and your husband have taken away from him- Roller Skates, Roller Blades, Nintendo, , Swimming, etc.-- all things that he has to do by himself. You need to start encouraging games and behaviors in which he has to work WITH others. Skating, he may have you right there watching but he is feet away from you-- you could encourage games such as twister, in which he has to work with you and whomever he plays with, to ensure that both do not fall. Doing crafts (drawing posters, etc.) encourages creativity, and if someone is working on it with him (such as a friend of his), they have to share ideas and crayons/markers.





As for his behavior in school-- several issues pop up as red flags in what you wrote. First and foremost, you wrote that the teacher had to beg your child to move to another seat. No teacher should have to beg a child to behave or to follow directions. The other thing I noticed is that you said that other children were laughing at your child at lunch, and his classmates were also %26quot;instigators%26quot; in the actions that your child ended up engaging in. You seem to focus more on who is at fault (always the other children, in your opinion), and not on what is or is not appropriate responses to the other children%26#039;s behavior. Instead of punishing your child for his reactions, you need to focus more on teaching your child appropriate reactions. Instead of just taking things away from him, you should focus on educating him on other people%26#039;s feelings.





One example is to use %26quot;I%26quot; messages-- you could say (when your child is called into the principal;s office), %26quot; %26#039;Tommy%26#039;, when you get called into the principal%26#039;s office, it makes me feel frustrated, because I know that you are a good boy, and know how to behave, yet you made the choice to misbehave.%26quot; And you could say %26quot; %26#039;Tommy%26#039;, when those children were laughing at you, how did that make you feel?%26quot; and when he tells you, listen to him and explain that it is alright to feel angry/sad/mad, etc. and that you can completely understand how others laughing at him would make him feel that way, %26quot;but the way you reacted is not appropriate. Can you think of other ways to stop their laughing at you, that would have been better?%26quot; That way, your child learns critical thinking skills while at the same time learning better ways to handle his anger/frustration, etc.





I am suprised that you would even ask about schools for strong willed children-- if your child knows you would consider that, you are teaching your child that there are conditions to your love, and your child will develop security issues. A parent%26#039;s love for a child HAS TO BE unconditional. That means %26quot;I will love you, no matter what you do%26quot;. By even thinking about sending your child away to a %26quot;strong willed school%26quot; you are teaching him that if he does not do what you want (in this case, behave) you will just send him away and remove your love from him. I am not saying that you mentioned that to your child, but I am letting you know if your child found out you would consider sending him away.





There is no such thing as problem children-- there is only problem parenting (I AM NOT SAYING THE PARENTS ARE THE PROBLEM, I am saying that the parenting methods are the problem). Instead of just taking his belongings away from him, you have to set down a %26quot;choice/consequence%26quot; rule with him. For every behavior, there is a consequence. Positive behavior allows for positive consequences (two weeks of not getting in trouble in school is rewarded with a trip to the park for a couple of hours, a whole month is rewarded with a trip to the movies) Negative behaviors allows for negative consequences (a trip to the principal%26#039;s office has the negative consequences of losing his video game for a week, etc.). This teaches your child that in life, there are choices and conesequences-- if he chooses to behave, he will see positive consequences.





And the most important rule is this:


Speak to your child on his own level-- Do not yell (that teaches that yelling is an acceptable form of communication), but rather speak in a nice, calm tone, and get down on your knee to be able to speak to him eye to eye. That will encourage good communication, and will greatly reduce your stress. And be consistant. Do not change the rules in midstream without letting the child know what those rules are. And you must be consistant.





Edited to include:


Do not use spanking as a discipline method. That teaches the child that the best way to get your point across and make others behave as you want them to, is to hit them. You will have future problems if you use hitting a child as a way to %26quot;control%26quot; the child.





Good luck, and please feel free to email me if you have any more issues.
Reply:First of all as a parent of a few children of my own, when are you going to realize you are the PARENT. A %26quot;strong willed%26quot; child is a child who has never had any form of DISCIPLINE. This is were spankings come in handy, you don%26#039;t take things away that don%26#039;t matter thinking, %26quot;that will show him.%26quot;. Time out and %26quot;talking%26quot; to the child will do nothing, this kid knows that he is BOSS. You are all to afraid to confront him and put the ever loving fear of Mom/Dad in him. Until you show him who is boss he is never going to listen. That or you can put him on some drug and prepare him for a life in prison; or you can do your job as a parent. I really don%26#039;t now how else to explain this. Don%26#039;t blame the school, the other children, or anyone but yourself. Do not use P.C. garbage in front of me, your child is a BRAT, plain and simple and until you do something about it he will always run all over you.
Reply:Boot camp, Jail, Reform school!
Reply:Well it sounds to me that you have an Indigo Child.





As a summary, here are the ten attributes that best describe this new kind of child, the Indigo Child





They come into the world with a feeling of royalty (and often act like it)





They have a feeling of %26quot;deserving to be here,%26quot; and are surprised when others don%26#039;t share that.





Self-worth is not a big issue. They often tell the parents %26quot;who they are.%26quot;





They have difficulty with absolute authority (authority without explanation or choice).





They simply will not do certain things; for example, waiting in line is difficult for them.





They get frustrated with systems that are ritually oriented and don%26#039;t require creative thought.





They often see better ways of doing things, both at home and in school, which makes them seem like %26quot;system busters%26quot; (nonconforming to any system).





They seem antisocial unless they are with their own kind. If there are no others of like consciousness around them, they often turn inward, feeling like no other human understands them. School is often extremely difficult for them socially.





They will not respond to %26quot;guilt%26quot; discipline (%26quot;Wait till your father gets home and finds out what you did%26quot;).





They are not shy in letting you know what they need.





Hope this helps - really when you understand what these kids are really all about they are gift to humanity.



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